How To Ride The Bus

November 2, 2011

I have perfected the art of riding the bus.

It has taken me a long time.

A very long time.

When I lived in San Francisco, I sat next to a lady who wet herself while we shared a cloth bench. Another time, a young man asked me my name and then proceeded to pleasure himself outside of his pants.

I refuse to relive these horror stores. I won’t be a victim.

Instead, I created a fool proof plan.

From the time the bus pulls up to the curb and you are seated, there is roughly a 30 second lapse of time. 20 of those seconds are spent paying for the bus. That means you have a 10 second scan and window of opportunity to pick your seat.

Pick wisely, friends.

Second One: Find all empty seats.

Second Two: Eliminate all empty seats that have the entire row empty (will explain later)

Second Three: Discard empty seat that is next to a cute boy. It will be the longest, most nerve racking commute of your life. Trust me, you are too shy to say “Hi!”

Second Four: Is someone talking on their phone? Forget that empty seat.

Second Five: Is someone reading a book or their cell phone? NAB THAT SEAT! They will not bother you the entire ride, are intelligent enough to read, and give you constant entertainment as you peak out of the corner of your eye at their Facebook.

Second Six through Ten: You are starting to panic. Don’t worry. In these four seconds, gauge the remainder of the empty seats and choose whoever looks the cleanest and isn’t using the empty seat as a bag holder (jerks).

Rookie Mistakes:

  • Never take a seat that has the row empty. NEVER DO THAT. Never. You lose all control because at the next stop Stinky McStinkerson or Chatty Cathy will be seated an inch from you.
  • The bus empties out leaving empty rows. You move over. Stop it! NEVER DO THAT. Again, next bus stop none other than Pervert Peebody will be itching for your number or just itching himself.
  • Sure, you may feel awkward holding down that seat. Your seat mate is probably irritated you didn’t move too. But the bus is a gamble and staying in your seat is a safe bet.


  • People eating.
  • People who look like they didn’t shower.
  • People who look like they showered in cologne.
  • Back of the bus.
  • Exceptionally old.
  • Exceptionally young.
I know I told you to avoid the good looking guy but that doesn’t mean ignore him all together. I recommend sitting the seat prior, kitty corner. Then, for those 20 glorious minutes he can witness how delightful you are. It may not happen today, it may not happen tomorrow… but something will happen eventually. (Just don’t force it and smile. Always smile.)

(Image found someonesomewhereelse)

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